My Introduction ( draft )

The electronic game industry has developed and graduall become more complex, since late 1970's. It evolved from a simple geometric shape that could be controlled by the player, into various forms of advanced technology that direct the player to more exciting graphics. As the academic community introduced computers into the classroom and then video games moved in into children's home. Electronic games are part of a unique type of entertainment where children have control of the situation and are able to role-play their favourite characters. Some experts have said that video games are not the cause of a person's aggressive bahaviour; but more concerned parents cannot stop believing that video games have had a bad impact on their children. Some research has shown that there were connections between children playing video games, and aggressive behavioral problems or health issues. There have been several researches that support the positive effects of video games on children.

As the academic community introduced computers into the classroom

They did that? Not at George Brown. Maybe before I retire Uncle George will decide it's time to put a computer in the classroom.

About the paragraph, I'd like to see what revision advice you get from your peers. There is also always the TLC.

Hi 100665614,

I love video games and good topic to do research on!
Reading through your paragraph, I found very minor grammatical errors that can be easily fixed. Like Mr.Brown said, you always have the TLC at the college. Now as for your paragraph, your third sentence read, "As the academic community introduced computers into the classroom and then video games moved in into children's home." I think this sentence can have much more detail and structure. I had to keep reading the sentence over and over and each time I read it, it felt as if you had an idea going on but did not complete it. Try not to do that because it could easily confuse your reader or lose them at some point. Overall, it's a good paragraph, great topic, and take advantange of the TLC. Goodluck with everything.

Thanks for posting your introduction to your informative essay!

There is just a few issues that I found, and by eliminating these issues I believe that you can improve your introduction.

First you want to make sure that you have a clear, and an un-opinionated thesis statement.
Remember the point of your thesis is to describe what you essay is going to be about, and the body of your essay is to support your thesis statement with facts. Finally your conclusion will summarize your facts and reinforce your thesis statement.

Ok that is a great start. However, it is not focused enough. By the use of "some experts believe”, “but more parents are concerned “and “some research has shown”. It sounds like you would like to do a comparative informative essay about the electronic game industry and the positive and negative effects it has on children. So, you have to make that clear to your audience.

Here are some useful links to tips that help me to remain focused and concise while writing a thesis statement and informative essay.

THE RESEARCH ESSAY: helpful advice on creating a topic to be researched

How to Write a Research Paper Thesis

I hope these help