Introduction of my essay

My topic is about depression.
Love to get some feedback. Just want to remind you all that this is my first draft...

Depression is an equal opportunity disorder – it can affect anyone of any group, any background, any race, any gender, any age-anyone (Nydegger, pg 1, 2008). Millions people suffer from depression and the modern society plays the important factors which contribute to depression (Blazer, pg 1, 2005). According to National Institute of Mental health in 2000, 20.9 millions of American suffers from depression (Nydegger, Pg 5, 2008). World Health Organization survey shows around 100 million peoples around of world suffer from depression in 19 (in cited Nydegger, pg 36, 2008). This epidemic has more profound impacts on women than men. In 1998, 12 millions of American women are affected by depression and 6 million of men (in cited Nydegger, pg 31, 2008). There are many reasons which explain the significant difference in ratio between genders. Biologically, women are more likely to suffer from depression from puberty, child birth, and menopause. Additionally, women are more likely to become exposed to violence, gender inequality, poverty and abuse (Nydegger, pg 75-81, 2008). Statistically shows men suffer depression less than women; however, men are less likely to express their emotions and seek any medical help. They often not fit into the common depression pattern which defined as depression. They transformed their depressed emotion to abusive behaviours to express anger and frustration (Aguirre, pg 46, 2008). Despite of the lack of similarities between each gender’s experience and expression, the root of the illness can be analyze from biological, social and cognitive context.

hi jenny,
this is good introduction, but i believe you should use some of your own sentences. it looks like all citation...evey single line is take form other sources..so try some of your own sentences related to it....

Hi Jenny.

I like your topic even though it might be a little hard to write about..I agree with Arpita I would avoid so many citations on your introduction.The introductory paragraph of the paper should start with a sentence that catches the interest of your readers, and you have done it but with all the citation its hard to see your idea.In a typical essay, that first sentence leads into two or three sentences that provide details about your topic or your process. All of these sentences build up to your thesis statement. I know you will have a great paper, its just a little hard to start it off..

Thank you for your comments.
I took all your advices and I made a new draft for my intro
I think peer-editing is a very valuable tool. Viewing the essay from second or third persons point of view gives me a better understanding where my writing skills at.

I really appreaciate your opinions and I hope I will give same valuable responses to your essay as well.