Full draft of narrative essay - any advice?

Philip’s Big Night Out

Betty was on her way home on a Saturday night at 2 am, her big weekend away to a luxury spa ended early by heavy rains and poor plumbing. The Inn had done what they could, but backed up toilets are well, backed up toilets no amount of free massages and face peels can get around that. They had arranged for shuttle buses from Niagara On The Lake for the guests heading back too Toronto. Betty had decided not to bother to phone Phil, oops she corrected herself Philip now that he had made partner, since he had decided that Phil sounded like the guy who would fix the plumbing.

Betty had the driver let her out at the top of her street; it was just too loud for 3:00 am. Her neighbours valued the quiet of the neighbourhood; they had paid a lot of money for the so called privileged of living in this exclusive area of Toronto. The “snobs” as Betty privately referred to them, were first generation money that wanted desperately to forget it, Philip fit right in trying to forget that his Father had actually been a plumber his Mother a waitress.

Betty could see Philips new BMW parked on the street in front of their house. She bit her lip in anxiety. They had a nasty fight about the car just before she had left to catch the train. Philip said he had left a note for her, telling her to get the dealer to pick the car up, the brakes were slipping. Betty hadn’t seen the note or it had been misplaced so she had never called. Philip had been livid, calling her a stupid useless cow, among other things before she had left for the spa.
Betty let herself into the house; she could smell cigarette smoke and see used wine glasses in the living room. She walked into the living room and could see the remains of what must have been a party. Betty realized that their wedding picture was on the coffee table and had the remnants of white powder all over the front of it. Betty turned around and started up the stairs heading towards their bedroom enough was enough, Philip had crossed the line, how could he be so disrespectful of their marriage?

Betty could hear voices coming from the bedroom, good he is still up watching T.V., she thought perfect it is time for all this too stop, enough is enough. Betty slammed the door open, and stopped in shock. Philip was naked on top of some woman, the woman looked over Philip’s shoulder and screamed, Betty screamed back. She backed out of the room, scrambling to close the door, what had just happened? What had she just seen? Betty felt the pasta in her stomach roll, and she ran to the bathroom, vomiting everything that she had in her stomach and then the bile came up burning her throat. She lay on the cold bathroom floor, clutching her stomach feeling her throat burn and crying listening as good ole Phil got rid of his whore.

Phil pounded on the bathroom door. “Come on Betty enough is enough get out here so we can talk you can’t stay in there forever. Listen she’s gone, get your ass out here now, we have to talk about this”. Betty pulled herself up and looked in the mirror, her eyes were red and swollen she turned the cold water on and splashed her face. Betty opened the bathroom door as Phil was getting ready to pound on it again. Good, Phil said “I am glad you have decided to behave like an adult for a change; I didn’t want it to come out like this, but that was Lisa, I have been seeing her for a while, I am in love with her, I was going to tell you when you came back. It’s over Betty, I will leave for a week, and then I want you out of my house".

Betty looked at this idiot standing in front of her, she had worked two jobs putting this pathetic piece of shit through university and he was telling her to get out of the house that she had sacrificed and slaved for just as much as he had. She hated living here, but had agreed to buy this overpriced piece of jumped up trash for Phil’s image.

Betty launched herself at Phil kneeing him in the balls, she tried to get at his face but he curled up in the fetal position on the floor moaning in pain calling her a pyscho bitch. Betty went downstairs listening to Phil swear at her while he packed a bag, she cleaned up his mess; the coke off her wedding picture, the dirty wine glasses in the dishwasher, the dirty ashtray that his whored had used.

Phil came downstairs carrying his bag, “listen Betty I am serious I want you gone in a week”. Betty picked up an empty wine bottle and threw it at his head missing him by inches; Phil swore and backed out of the front door. “You heard me Betty, get your shit and get out”; he ran to his car and jumped in still swearing. He peeled out of his spot speeding down the street, the engine revving in protest, the tires squealed as he turned the corner. Betty went to the front porch just in time to watch Phil’s pride and joy crash head on into a huge oak tree.

The police said Phil never had a chance; for their initial investigation they thought it might be the brakes, a police officer confided in her that she should get a lawyer she could sue the car manufacture for a bundle. As the police headed out the door Betty thought first thing tomorrow call a real estate agent, then call a lawyer.

I just want to suggest that you should probably only post one paragraph at a time.
Not a lot of people will read the whole essay at once.

Also check out my thread with everything you should include on in your narrative essay

You did a great job of setting up the situation, building up the characters and coming to a conclusion. I enjoyed the rawness of your narrative.

Here are a few tips that may help make it even better. Remember using dialogue can be tricky, you want to make sure that the audience knows who is talking and when. The best way to revise this problem is to print your essay and read it out loud. If you have the time get someone to read it to you. Also there is a bit of repetition with the use of the phrase “enough is enough”. It’s used in the narration, by Betty and later by Phil. Maybe you can use another way to convey that each person is fed up.

Good job on the essay Catherine, I like all the drama between the two characters in it.