looking forward your feedback about this narrative essay

This is just the beginning of my narrative essay. I 'm very weak at writing stuff, I need opinions from you. Your feedback is important to me.Thank you

How 30 sec change things
Eye blink takes 0.2 sec,fall in love at first sight with somebody takes 8.2 sec, fix shoes lace takes 15 sec, signal light change takes 30 sec from green to red...Do you know what's the ratio to meet your behalf? And what's the odds that you could lose them in 30 sec?I'm here alone. I'm Matthew Goode. I flied half a sphere from British to California 3years ago. Just want to prove that I could done something. But I'm still a high school English teacher and a math teacher too.
At school's New year party, Ethan and I stood at the refreshment bar. He is my colleague.
"Hey,"Ethan lower his voice said
"see that girl over there？....she's new bioteacher...Don't stearing at..."
"I'm not."When I looked at her, I couldnt take my eyes off her, the red dress she wore lit up half the room.I must admitted she took my breath away.
"yes you are...dont ...dont look at...she's coming..."
"lovely evening?"her voice like nightingale's.
"Hi.what's up?Im Ethan and this's my buddy Matthew..."
I've been too shy to talk to girl since high school.That was seemed a little awkward opening.
"Nice seeing you ,I'm Sara ,Sara Johansson"
When the music started, Sara surprisingly asked me to be her dancing partner. 'Stars shining bright above you .night breezes seem to whisper I love you...'
"Hey, wake up, it's easy, I show you"She's nice chatter and nice dance leader too.
"Pause pause 123,Pause pause 123 ... heh..here you go..."
She had perfect lips. I must be too concentrate to her lips,and got too much liquid. I was ravished by her.
The next day morning. Sunlight was so cozy, I didn't want to weak up but I knew I had to go to class this morning.
"Hi gorgeous,weak up?" I could hear her voice ,so tender and clear.
"Hey,you know you have beautiful eyes..."
"Yes i know..."she humoured.
I was weak up with worm bed.


ps------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Proposal
Matthew Goode was a high school teacher in a small town in north California. One day at the New year party which the school holded, he met a girl named Sara . She was the new teacher in town. Matthew thought he was falling in love at the first sight with Sara. They had a lovely evening.

Ardon Harrison is in 6 grade. Every morning he deliver news paper to Matthew's ,but he always late. His family had issues. In his parents eyes, Ardon is a cranky boy. His father cheated on his mother. His mother was depressed and tried to get drunk to forget her husband's disloyalty. She always natter about things she think her husband could done. Ardon 's father George Harrison was out with his young lover at new year eve and didn't go back home at night as usual until the next day morning. He had another fight with Ardon's mother as usual and rushed out of the house to go to work. The next day morning, after Matthew picked up the news paper and thew it through the door, he was late to catch the bus to school. At school, when his friend Ethan asked about how things went between he and Sara. Because of Matthew's shyness and the hangover, he didnt remember much. But he was wondering that too, so he was hoping that he could run into her at school and figure it out.
Things didn't turned out like Matthew hoped. Sara didn't show up at school because there was a car accident on the road and she was dead.


pps------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the ending I've planed to do

Matthew never got a chance to get to know Sara.An accident was happened like this: Ardon's father didn't payed attention to the change of the signal light while the bus was hitting his car and put on a break . At the same time Sara's car was behind the bus and rear-end collision happened. Unfortunately, Sara did fasten up her seatbelt, and she was dead in that accident.

So Matthew started to think about the 30 sec. How 30 sec changed things. If the Ardon kid could weak up 30 sec early to deliver papers, or the bus driver could wait him 30 sec more, or Ardon's father wasn't cheating on his mother and have a peaceful family morning and leave 30 sec early. None of this could happened.

Hey! Looks like you have a good to start to your essay! It looks like it could be an interesting story, but it needs to be proof read quite a bit, and make sure you have full sentances. Also just a suggestion, converstation in your essay may take up a lot of words.
Hope this helps!

You’re off to a great start; here are a few suggestions that may help.

Remember to show not tell, that means don’t tell the reader what the characters are thinking and saying, try and show us in their actions. I like that fact that you are using dialog, but it can be tricky in a 1000+ 20 narrative essay. Try not to make everything a conversation only use a bit to convey the important conversations. Also having someone else proof read your work may help.

I hope this helps! Please post more, it is very helpful!