A1: Proposal

Here's the proposal I presented to Derek during my group meeting this afternoon. Along with my proposal is the feedback he gave me. Hopefully it'll help students get a sense of what they may want to write and how they may want to convey their ideas. Feel free to add your opinion!

Here it goes...
We have all been addicted to something of some sort in the course of our lives. Some addictions much stronger than others, and some that remain lying underneath our skin just waiting to reveal itself again. This battle between self and an evil substance can destroy the lives of not only the abuser, but the lives of whom the abuser loves. My story is about the man whom I grew attached to from the very moment I entered this world; my father. As a child, I was always sheltered from any serious issues that went on at home. I was never aware of the negatives, which allowed me to hold onto my childlike innocence much longer. But then situations grew worse, and I became smarter. I could see that my mother was hurting, my siblings were hurting, and my father was hurting. What seemed like a happy home to me was hell. My father allowed alcohol to tear our family apart and eventually, we were no longer his family. Alcohol became the center of his life and I simply felt replaced. We tried our very best to help and support this man who I used to call “daddy,” but nothing seemed to work. At the age of twelve, I finally came to the realization that you can't help anyone who doesn't want help for themselves. It's useless.

Nancy Obeng

Comments from Derek Brown:
1. The writing style that I chose to convey my story is what is called illustional writing. Although my story is somewhat real, it's not told to the very exact point. I've expanded my ideas a bit to somewhat distance myself from the real story itself if you get what I mean.

2. I was told that the writing style I chose is good, but I may find myself to come across a challenge further along the essay.

3. In my proposal, the theme is evident. But what i may want to do is fix the timing throughout my story. With that being said, I need to condense my story so it doesn't exceed the limit of 1000 words. Keeping it to about 6-7 paragraphs with the juicy parts of the story is perfect.

4. The last bit of feedback he gave that I think would be really useful for ALL OF US, is not to be fully committed/married to your story. LOL I know it sounds completely wrong but what he meant was, tell your story. But tell it in a way that is discreet. Don't tell the actual story as to what happened there and then this and then that. If that were the case, you would be writing 10 pages of work as opposed to just 1000 words. So try condense your ideas but at the same time, allowing your feelings to be expressed!

Hope this helps...toodaloo

It looks like you figured out how to post. Thank-you.

I'm not sure what I (or you) meant by the following:

The writing style that I chose to convey my story is what is called illustional writing.

What is "illustional writing"?

Cheers

To Mr. Brown,

I couldn't remember the word you chose to describe the writing style I used throughout my proposal. I thought about it for a while and couldn't remember if you said illusive or illustional writing. I guess I should've clarified it with you first. Please do correct me if I'm completely off. Thanks!

Hi Nancy,

I think what I said was that your writing was allusive, meaning that it was not direct, that you wrote around your central ideas and events rather than stating them directly.

Hope that helps.

Now that makes much more sense than before. Thanks sir!
So for those of you who are actually taking the time to read this, the writing style I used throughout my proposal is called ALLUSIVE writing just as Mr. Brown stated. Hope this helps. Please feel free to ask questions or give your input on my proposal. It would be greatly appreciated..

Wow, this is a really deep essay that you are getting into here. The way you laid it out really captures the reader right from the beginning. I look forward to knowing how you do on the final piece of the essay.

This is great. Thanks for the advice.

Really like the format you wrote the essay in, your words definitely helped me get into the topic and develop emotions based on it. I think that you should try avoiding "we",etc. Otherwise its definitely a job well done so be proud!