Polished Narrative Essay...Anyone got any constructive criticism? Thoughts?

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Polished Narrative Essay...Anyone got any constructive criticism? Thoughts?

Post  ryan8961 on Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:31 pm

Whats His Story...?

As Barron sat in a small room that resembled a cheaper version of a hotel room, with a window overlooking a seemingly quiet town surrounded by mountains, he began to ponder how he had gotten to this point in his life. Without really having to think too deep, he knew. It had been his actions and choices, but he did not understand why he had chosen that road. This was not jail, he’s not a criminal but it certainly felt that way. He was always an amazing, bright, well-mannered, and promising young man with a lot to offer the world. He didn’t come from an abusive or broken home; in fact he came from a home that would be ideal for most children. As he sat, still thinking how this whole nightmare had begun, he was unable to figure out if it was his bad choice in friends, his own personal issues, or if he was just another lost youth who did not have a care in the world. He knew he was in a safe place where all his questions might be answered. But how did he go from that once very promising young man, to a very lost and confused boy sitting in a room overlooking the mountains from his new home, a 30 day rehab center.
It was about a week into the program when Barron really started to take things seriously. This was his residence for the next month, so he figured why not actually try to get his life back in order. He had lost everything and hurt a lot of people along the way, so he had everything to gain. In one of his group therapy sessions each patient had to give insight as to how they think they had ended up in rehab. He had really been reflecting on his current status as an addict since he had arrived, and had thought long and hard about it. His friends that he had chosen to hang around with weren’t completely to blame for this mess; they didn’t help the fact though. Everyone makes their own decisions and he had to start taking responsibility for his actions. Barron had always been picked on and teased in school for being fat, and that was something that really began to take a toll on his self-esteem, among other things. This had been the platform for many of his drug abuse issues. It was no secret that certain drugs are notorious for losing weight, and regrettably that had been Barron’s solution. It was not before long that he had shed the weight and had gained a nasty habit.
In a private session with this counselor, Barron had admitted to her that he felt that when his parents had discovered what he had been doing and had sent him to see a doctor his problems worsened. Barron had begun making routine visits with this doctor, and because he was over the age of 16, he legally could keep his parents from what was going on. This doctor had a tendency to over prescribe medications without proper diagnosis, and this fuelled the fire to Barron’s problems even more. The doctor did not have any idea as to what Barron was doing outside of his office, and the trouble he was getting himself into. Almost every trip Barron made to this doctor, he left with a different prescription every time. As his doctor tried to diagnose the psychiatric symptoms Barron complained of, he did not realize that the drugs Barron had been abusing were the contributing factors to his symptoms. Looking back at this, Barron knew without a doubt that keeping his drug abuse from his parents had been is greatest mistake, had he of had their guidance things could have been different.
In another session with the councilor, Barron admitted that realized he had hit rock bottom when he was forced into the hospital. He had stolen medication from the doctor’s office. The doctor believed that Barron was unstable, at risk, and needed to detox from the substances he was on. Barron spent 8 days in the hospital, 2 of which were involuntary and 6 had been his choice. During his stay he had detoxed from almost everything he was taking and had been re-evaluated by other doctors. He was taken off all medications because the drugs Barron was abusing were the causing factor of the symptoms in the first place. As Barron explained this to his councillor, she couldn’t sympathize with him or grasp how he had misjudged the situation so severely and wounded up in rehab.
Once Barron was released from the hospital, he had to meet with his very angry and worried parents, and doctor. It had been suggested by Barron’s parents that he undergo random drug testing twice a month. This was to be enforced as an alternative to him being in legal trouble for stealing from his doctor. Barron was not concerned about producing a bad test because he had every intention of getting himself back on track. Barron decided to move in with his grandparents for a fresh start, and to help keep some stress off his parents’ relationship. But after multiple failed tests, he quickly began to realize that this was not something that he could control anymore. He wanted this whole thing to be over, almost like it never existed. This was a turning point where he really understood the bad direction he was heading and what he was willing to do to fix it.
As Barron sat by his window in his little room on his last night, watching the mountains around him, he began to wonder what was next for him. It had been a month since he arrived and he was eager to get out and start a new chapter. Since he had been there, he had finished his high school diploma and had been seriously considering post-secondary. He was not willing to sit around waiting for something to happen, he had get his head in gear and work hard towards his future… One step at a time!
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ryan8961

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Here are some suggestions

Post  ChenelleM on Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:46 pm

Wow, your narrative deals with a subject that is very common in youth. Here are some suggestions that may help to make your narrative even better.

In your first paragraph the audience is introduced Barron, as he sits in a small room looking over the mountains. By the end of the paragraph you repeat the fact that he is sitting overlooking the mountains. Did you notice? Also I did not get a sense of who Barron was in the first paragraph. You tell us about his family and friends and the ups and downs, but I suggested you show us what the issues are, for example why would his childhood be considered ideal? Also what bad choices had he made with friends? You don’t have to revel all, just some. Remember this is your first introduction to Barron; it’s your opportunity to engage the audience in his character. I like the fact that you revel to the audience that he is in rehab for 30 days at the end of the first paragraph, it a great gateway into your next paragraph.But, you begin your second paragraph with a bit of repletion again. By expressing that he will be there for the next month, remember you already revelled that in the previous paragraph. This paragraph is a bit more descriptive about Barron’s actions that got him in rehab. However, you never revealed the drugs he was on? I think adding this detail would give more insight to his character.

In all I think your narrative is great, keep up the good work.

Just remember not to repeat yourself, and to show not tell the audience what you want to convey. Very Happy

ChenelleM

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